It was bound to happen sooner or later...

I wore my new blue coat today, the one that my grandmother bought me before I left for Spain. It's dark blue with big, gold buttons and reaches from my chin down close to my knees.  So after I left the library this afternoon, it was the perfect coat to button all the way up, bury my chin in the fuzzy wool and put my head down and cry.

I had the weight of the world on my shoulders as I kept asking myself the same question over and over again: what am I doing with my life? How can I stay here, in this small Spanish city for a whole year? 

I mean, who am I kidding? No matter how hard I try to fit in, I'll never be European.  No matter how much Spanish I study, English will always come more easily.  And no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I can build a life here, I am reminded by the fact that I already had a pretty sweet life back in Denver.

Coming here has made me realize how much I love DU; the academics are challenging, the campus is beautiful, the facilities are superb, and students have easy access to the city of Denver...not to mention all my friends are there!  "Why," I kept asking myself, "did I think it was ever a good idea to leave that all behind?"  All the negative things I could possibly think about studying abroad for a whole year hit me like a steel train; I did not see this coming!

The past two weeks I have tried so hard to turn every negative into a positive: my bedroom is super small? Well, there's incentive to go out and explore the city!  The classes are really easy? More time to practice Spanish!  Or, I'll sometimes wonder if Salamanca is too  small a city; I'll get bored...then I remind myself that it's so much more affordable than a big city; it's safe; the people are friendly; the parks are awesome, the University attracts many students....

Frankly, today I got sick of being so dang positive.

So I called my mother, sobbing. She reminded me that it's okay if I want to come home; there's nothing wrong with changing plans.  Simply knowing that if I wanted to, I could leave...that made me feel much better.  Yet it didn't solve anything. I still am faced with a tough decision: should I stay or should I go????????





Two hours later: Unable to stay cooped up in my small bedroom in the apartment after dinner, I left to meet up with a friend to talk. He is also staying here for a whole year and is also from DU. And right now, he's going through the exact thing I am. That helped. Sharing the burden.  By the end of the night, as more and more friends trickled into the Kabob restaurant we were in, and after a game of cards, I felt so much better and more confident with my decision of staying a year.

They always say that grass is always greener on the other side; if I go back to Denver, I will be sad I left Spain, and if I stay in Spain, I will undoubtedly miss my life back at DU next semester.  I am reminded by a quote I used for my senior yearbook: "Make where you are where you want to be; I am not in a hurry, and it takes time to live."  I will keep trying to make a life for myself here. And, we hope, things will change and get easier second semester.

Today was a tough day. It sucked, actually. I am not homesick, exactly, just nervous about being here A WHOLE YEAR!   I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later...